The Idiot's Guide to Pickpocketing

For the second time in a year a boy tried to pull my wallet out of my back-pocket this morning and failed. His attempt so was amateurish and obvious, that I had half a mind to haul him to the cops for being a pathetic thief. He couldn't have been more than nine years old and made no effort to hide his short-lived prize. To my credit, I knew there was something fishy about the kid and turned around the second I got off the bus. What helped my cause was that the offender dug in his hand while I was un-boarding and made the mistake of climbing down after me.

I was so surprised at his stupidity and the ease with which I caught him that I didn't even bother to give him a couple of sharp ones on the head for his trouble. As a matter of principle, I don't punish incorrigible bastards.

The boy's failure has made me realize that budding pick-pockets in the city need help. Sure, they are tutored by their street-smart mentors but it's time some definite guidelines are put to paper. I'm wasting time over this in sincere hope that it contributes to the cause of the successful pick-pocketing everywhere. Here goes -

1. Do not look like a ruffian 
   I understand this is pretty hard to do for prepubescent boys, I've been there myself. But the vaguest resemblance to anything the spent last night sleeping in dog piss and reeking of rotten cabbage and is around three feet tall immediately raises the alarm. A single glance at the creature causes people to clutch their belongings tight and throw looks of disgust in its general direction.
   
   

2. Never ever loiter 
   Add a general aimlessness and minimal movement to a ragged appearance and you get what is called a 'suspicious individual', the kind bus inspectors and cops keep their eyes peeled for but never seem to spot. Really, the last thing you want to do is look like you can't pay the fare and intend to inhabit the currently occupied three square inches all day long.
   
   

3. Do not give yourself away 
   This is a classic no-no, applicable to criminals in every field and of every size and description. Allow me to illustrate with my own example. The kid who would eventually attempt to rob me, unnecessarily blocked my passage to the exit of the bus and stuck to my backside once I did get past him. I was instantly on the alert and placed my palm protectively on my ass. The fact that he struck when in the few seconds when it was away is of no consequence. He gave himself away and only drew attention with his 'diversionary tactics'. Clearly, subtlety is the way to go.
   
   

4. Do not stare
   I feel really foolish saying this but I guess it must be done. It occurs to me that I'm not exactly addressing an enlightened audience. The length of your stare at the target is inversely proportional to your chances of cleanly picking his/her pocket. Stay content with a casual 3 second sweep to identify your potential victim. Anything exceeding that and you're clearly in the wrong profession.
   
   

5. Run, run, run!
   You're bound to be caught if you stand rooted to the spot after extracting a bulging wallet. In the few seconds that you stare at your achievement with undisguised amazement and ecstasy, you allow its irate owner you turn around and bash your skull in. Take it from me, the sooner you step outside the reach of their outstretched arms, the better are your chances of making a getaway, provided you don't run into human obstacles.
   
   
6. Hide the prize
   You may not always want to run so as not to appear to have committed the dastardly act. In that case, it is advisable to stash it somewhere real quick. This requires deft hand movement, imagination, the ability to lie convincingly and beat frisks by concealing the wallet in a flap of  fold-able skin. But seeing as you posses none of these delightful gifts, you're better off making a run for it.

Make a note of these simple instructions and you should be able to avoid capture while sinking your paws into the behinds of fellow humans in the hope of recovering some loose change.